标题: 1,001 Smiles!!!! [打印本页] 作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 05-12-26 04:34 标题: 1,001 Smiles!!!! Let's smile-laugh--haha together!!!作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 05-12-26 04:44
1. If i were given the choice between my heart's desire and a cheese sandwich, i would definitely choose the cheese sandwich. AFter all, nothing's better
(to be continued....)作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 05-12-26 10:42
After all, nothing's better than your heart's desire, and a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 05-12-26 21:13
2. there are three kids in the family... one of each sex.作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 05-12-27 15:04
3. How could ou have a son that age?
i didn't. When i had him he was just a baby.作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 05-12-27 21:36
4. Mom, please will you buy me a bicycle for my birthday?
Will it make you behave any better if i do?
No, but i'll behave over a wider area.作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 05-12-28 15:36
5. vow of silence
a man joined an abbey and took a vow of silence: he was allowed to speak only two words every five years. after the first five years had passed, he went to see the abbot and said: "bed hard"
whereupon he turned around and walked out of the door.
Five years later he went to see the abbot again and said: food cold. again, he turned and walked out.
AFter another 5 years had passed, he once more went to see the abbot. the time he said: "I QUIT".
"i am not surprised, responded the abbot. "All you've done since you got her is coplain."作者: Kathy 时间: 05-12-29 17:26
"All you've done since you got her is coplain."
Sorry, I'm a little bit puzzled...
her--here?
coplain--complain?作者: Kathy 时间: 05-12-29 17:28
coplain--complaint?作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 05-12-29 19:29
typo. it should be: complain.
sorry and "wow, you are so great!" to Kathy!!!
Kathy, don't you want to comtribute yours?
6:作者: Kathy 时间: 05-12-30 09:38
6. This guy wanders into a bar in Germany one day and orders a drink. Sitting down he notices two guys, the spitting image(look exactly the same) of Hitler and Goering. Wandering over to them he says 'Hey, you know that you two look exactly like Hitler and Goering ?'
'Sure', says Goering 'cos we are. We've been hiding out in South America for a few years and now we've decided to make a come back. This time we are going to exterminate (kill)9 million Jews and 10 computer analysts'.
'Why the 10 analysts?', says the guy.
'See', says Goering to Hitler, 'I told you no one cared about the Jews'.作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 05-12-30 10:58
hahaha...............HAHAHA....................
that's really good one! thanks to Kat!作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 05-12-31 08:57
7. If a dog's prayers were answered, bones would fall from the sky.作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-5 10:36
Teacher: Here are 2 birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
Teacher:...
P.S. He is so cute...作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-1-6 03:52
New Years Resolutions
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-1-6 09:09
My name is Montgomery S. Esstein.
What's the S stand for?
Nothing. My father dropped a noodle on my birth certificate.作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-6 16:29
Dear Charles,
Your name is Charles Z. Song.
What's the Z stand for?
...
PLEASE DON'T throw stones to me!!!!作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-1-6 17:23 标题: haha, that's very good question!!!!!! you know what? at that time, my brother watched a very famous movie: in chinese: ZUO LUO (acurally PING YI), right? he drawed "Z" everywhere....and, including my birth-certificate.作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-6 19:27
Amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!! But wait a minute, did you father at that time already decide to have a Z as your initial for your given name?作者: 绿罗裙 时间: 06-1-6 20:47
haha,Brother Song is really humorous!I think it is just a joke,but what is the truth?
My friend Connie was very supportive of her husband's campaign to be elected vice president of his union,but missing seeing him off for work the day of the election.
Since she'd be late arriving home,she left a message for him on their answering machine:"Good luck,dear,and don't worry.No matter how the election turns out,you'll always be president at our house."作者: 绿罗裙 时间: 06-1-6 20:58
A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race,the Janpanese won by a mile.The American hired experts to work out what went wrong.They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing,while the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing.The American company immediately reorganised its team.Now they had one senior manager,six management consultants and one rower.In the rematch the Japanese won by two miles.So the American company fired the rower.作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-1-6 21:20
that's good question! i am going to uncover it at the end of year 30000.
i love that "Japanese vs American Company" haha, very funny! i have been noticing two things recently:
1. i often go to drink coffee very early morning, almost 100% americans never turn off the engine, and, they never lock their cars! my god! if they are in China, hehe, chinese will let them know the security is very very important!
2. every monday and Thursday i go to Acupuncture by bus, very interesting, if you arrive your destination, just push the button (yellow one) very near you, then a singnal will ring and a message will be displayed in front of the driver. good.作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-1-9 21:19
President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-10 14:31
he is so cute!作者: 风吹尘 时间: 06-1-10 15:52
hahahaha.....so many funny jokes!作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-10 21:36
Late one night at the insane asylum (the place where insane people live)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-10 21:37
Welcome, 风吹尘!作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-1-11 08:33
English Hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.
However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir...", replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-11 13:28
This is a REAL FUN story!!! Thanks, Charles.作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-1-11 14:28 标题: thx, Kat! Make-Over
Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She also went out and bought a new convertible.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheepherder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.
"Okay.", replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.
Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?", queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-11 17:51
Dear Charles,
I have to contain myself so hard not to laugh out loud coz i'm still in office, but i just can't help it...
Thank u so much!!!!
Kat作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-1-11 18:51 标题: hahahaha.......................... HAHAHAHA.........................作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-1-22 10:52
Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.
Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.
Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.
Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.
Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.
Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Q. How come Mike Tyson’s eye's water during sex?
A. Mace
Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!
Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.
Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!
Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.
Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.
Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.
Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.
Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.
Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.
Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. So she can moan with the other.
Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A. Her dog was blind too.
Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?
A. Washed her hands with soap.
Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.
Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!
Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.
Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.
Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.
Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.
Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
A. They both throw a ho down.
Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-26 22:06
The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge
lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this
particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who
would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining
before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy galavanting
around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of
how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he
had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of
the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the
class. Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into fourty...
almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down
his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit
his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely
waiting for the student to complete his exam.
"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in
front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of
exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he
waited). It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a
hard time.
"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the profesor gloated, "Your exam is
an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when
you repeat my course."
The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?"
"What?" replied the professor grufly, annoyed that the student showed no sign
of emotion.
The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"
"NO", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't
think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly
into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle,
turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-1-28 04:26 标题: i read it, at the first twice, no clue, then the third...when the 4th time, i got that funny idea!!!!! hahaha............hahaha......HAHAHA.........................what a smart student and what a stupid professor!!!!!作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-28 13:08
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's." These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends. So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day.
The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"作者: Kathy 时间: 06-1-28 13:55
19. Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got. Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off
I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof!
You tell me!"作者: Charlie Z. Song 时间: 06-2-16 11:16
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.