如何战胜忧郁

如何战胜忧郁

经历了15年的令人衰竭的忧郁，Gillian Pearce,43岁，最后寻到了帮 助。在这个感人故事里，她披露了如何和忧郁斗争，并开始确信活着是真 好。

回想起来，我患忧郁症已有一段时间了。但直到5年前，我快40的时候，我才知道是怎么回事。任何人都有情绪低落的时候，我以为我也是，直到 诊断是忧郁症，开始吃药，第一次世界看起来不一样，我奇怪我为什么挣 扎了这么多年才面对现实。

在这以前，生活似乎一点意思也没有。我感觉特差，悲惨，无望。更可怕的是，我好象对此一点办法也没有,认为感觉差是自己的错，努力不够。我形容自己是行尸走肉。活着一点乐趣也没有。我很麻木，很孤独.

我情绪低的时候，在床上能躺好几天，完全不能应付生活。睡着了就不忧郁了，真是个祝福：没有了意识就感觉不到， 这是唯一的逃避出口。我也 想过自杀，计划如何实施也能感觉轻松一些；整理一下房间，吃点药片，睡 著了，永不再醒。

不过我从来没试过。当忧郁症第一次真正发作的时候,我的女儿---

Rebecca, 还是个小孩，我的心思就从来没离开过她。她仅仅2个星期大，她的父亲就离开我找别的女人了。我当时29岁，梦破碎了：我意识到 这不是我想象的幸福家庭的样子。我彻底垮了，但还是尽量保持正常，作为一个职业心理学工作者我让自己忙起来，不让我的客户同事，朋友和家人 知道我的感觉。

但是，我确实想改变我的生活，所以我放弃了工作，把房子卖了,和Rebecca搬到美国以求个人发展。可是我的丈夫离开我18个月后，我的父亲死了，最后的救命稻草没了。我和父亲很亲近，他的死对我打击很大。生活好象没希望了。只有Rebecca让我撑下去。没有她，我根本不会起床的。

我在努力改变生活。我研究了许多新时代观念象再生--我在找生命的意义。 我也旅游，REBECCA 5岁的时候我带着她满世界玩了一年。但很长的时间里 周围一切对我来说似乎没有意义。

即使我和我的伙伴JOHN 在一起，忧郁症也没解除。我第一次见他的时候是 8年前我漫游世界。但他很好相处，他能接受我的感觉，我烦的时候他总是 在安慰我。

现在我知道我容易忧郁. 但当时我并不认为，即使我有心理学的学位曾经做过心理学工作，比大多数人更清楚忧郁症的信号。生活在继续,我和JOHN 有 了个小男孩，PRENTICE.

5年前的一天，PRENTICE还是个婴孩，我和一个朋友在喝咖啡。她告诉我 她有一天早上特别沮丧，在床上几乎爬不起来。我跟她讲了这么多年我早 上的感觉，她惊讶极了。我们聊了几个小时，她建议我看看医生。

幸运的是，这一次谈话改变了我的生活。它给了我勇气去见我的医生，即使我特别沮丧我仍然认为我可以改变生活，而不是见医生或是服药。第一次 见到医生我就哭了，说出我的感觉。她很同情，诊断是忧郁症，和我讨论 了可供选择的几种药 。我选了PROZAC，几个星期后就感觉好多了。虽然没 有大喜，但悲就小多了。

我忧郁的时候，就好象是陷入了谷底，无路可走。服了PROZAC,我仍然在低谷，但不再想那么多了 。因为诊断是忧郁症，我就能够说，我病了，这个事实可以解释我的感。但另外一个我仍然觉得我在找借口,我应该自己想 办法。这就是为什么3个月后我停止服药，比医生的建议早了很多。

现在我明白这是个错误，因为几个月之后我又回到了起点。经过这个反复，我得面对这个事实：我需要重新开始服药，但这并不容易。当我重陷忧郁的时候， 我实实在在尝到了失败和失望的滋味.我想：如果服药总是吃吃就 停了，那还有意义么？ 我感觉就好象是一个诺言被抢走了。

象过去一样，服药让我感觉好多了，这一次我坚持下来。我也学习一些忧郁症的知识，知道的越多，我就越能做的好。训练做救生员，包括救自己, 也 帮我认识到我不应该责备自己得忧郁症。

JOHN和孩子们表现得很了不起,当我的情绪特低落的时候支持我，我感觉好 的时候鼓励我。我猜和我在一起生活有点象在海边上滑旱冰，真不知道什 么时候涨潮，什么时候落潮。

人们经常问我，我的女儿REBECCA是否受我的忧郁症影响，老实说，她没有。她从来不知道我感觉不好，只知道我乐观。事实上，我常常希望我能像她更多一点。

我已经停药一年了，感觉还好。忧郁症总是有回来的危险，但如果回来，我知道怎么办,自信能应付得了。我不会再让它侵占我的生活。

'How I beat depression'

After 15 years of debilitating depression, Gillian Pearce, 43, finally found help. In her moving story, she reveals how she fought her illness and started believing life really is worth living after all...

Looking back, I think I'd been depressed to some extent for a very long time. But it was only five years ago, in my late 30s, that I was able to put a name to my emotions. Everyone gets low moods, so I assumed that was all I was feeling. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with clinical depression and took antidepressants for the first time that the world looked different and I wondered why I'd struggled on for so many years.

Until then, life often seemed pointless. I felt awful, miserable and hopeless. Worse still, I didn't seem able to do anything about it and thought feeling bad was my own fault because I didn't try hard enough to be happy. I'd describe what I was going through as a living death. I got no pleasure or enjoyment from life. I felt numb inside and so lonely.

. . . . . . . . . .

When I was really low, I'd spend days in bed, unable to face life at all. Sleeping was a blessed relief: being unconscious was the only way to escape from how awful I was feeling. I thought about suicide, too, and would get relief from planning how I'd do it: I'd tidy the house, then take some tablets, go to sleep and never wake up.

I never actually tried it, though. There was always a part of me that would never leave Rebecca, my daughter, who was a toddler when I had my first real bout of depression. It began when her father left me for another woman when Rebecca was just two weeks old. I was 29 and my dreams lay in tatters: I realised it wasn't going to be the happy family scenario I'd imagined. I was devastated, but somehow managed to carry on as normal, holding down a demanding job as an occupational psychologist and hiding what I was feeling from my clients, colleagues, friends and family.

However, I did want my life to change, so I gave up my job, sold my house and moved to America with Rebecca to do a personal development course. But 18 months after my husband left me, my father died unexpectedly of a pulmonary embolism following an operation to have a gallstone removed. It was the final straw. I was close to my dad and when he died I really lost it. Life seemed hopeless. Only Rebecca kept me going. If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have bothered to get out of bed at all.

I did try to change things. I studied lots of New Age ideas such as rebirthing - looking for something that would make sense of my life. And I travelled, too, taking Rebecca backpacking with me around the world for a year when she was five. But I still had long periods where everything seemed pointless.

Even when I got together with my partner John, whom I first met when we were travelling the world eight years ago, the depression didn't lift. But he was great to be with, he accepted how I felt and was always there to comfort me when I was upset.

. . . . . . . . . .

By now, I'd realised I was a depressive person. But I didn't think I was actually depressed even though I had a degree in psychology, had worked as an occupational psychologist and knew better than most what the signs of depression are. To me life simply carried on and John and I had a baby boy, Prentice.

Then one day five years ago, when Prentice was still a baby I was having coffee with a friend. She told me she'd felt so down one morning she'd hardly been able to get up. When I told her I'd felt like that most mornings for years, she was amazed. We spoke for hours and she advised me to see my doctor.

Fortunately, this conversation turned out to be the one that changed my life. It gave me the courage to finally see my GP, even though deep down I still thought I should be the one to change things - not a doctor or medication. At my first appointment, I wept as I told the doctor how I'd been feeling. She was sympathetic and after diagnosing clinical depression, discussed the types of antidepressants available. I opted for Prozac and started to feel better after only a few weeks. It didn't make me desperately happy, but things became less bleak.

. . . . . . . . . .

When I was depressed I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit and there was no way out. The difference Prozac made was that I was still in the pit, but I didn't mind any more. Being diagnosed with clinical depression helped because I was able to say, "I have an illness. That explains the way I'm feeling." But a part of me still felt I was using it as an excuse for how I was feeling and that I should really sort it out myself. That's why I took myself off the Prozac after three months, much earlier than the doctor had recommended.

I now see it was a mistake because within a few months I was back to square one. After a false start, I faced up to the fact that I needed to start taking medication again, but it wasn't easy. I had a real sense of failure and disappointment when I started feeling depressed again. I thought, "What's the point of taking antidepressants if I'm always going to end up like this." I felt as if a promise had been snatched away from me.

As before, the antidepressants made me feel better and this time I stayed on them. I also educated myself about my illness and through knowing more about it I've been able to tackle it better. Training to become a life coach, which involved being coached myself, also helped me realise I'm not to blame for my illness.

. . . . . . . . . .

John and the children have been marvellous throughout, giving me loads of support when I felt really low, and encouraging me when I felt better. I guess for them, living with me was a bit like being on a rollercoaster ride, with them never really knowing when the highs and lows were going to come.

People often ask me whether my daughter Rebecca has been affected by my depression and I can honestly say she hasn't. She's never picked up on the fact that I've been unwell and has such a sunny personality. In fact, I've often wished I could be more like her.

I've been off medication for a year and feel fine at the moment. There's always a danger the depression could return but if this happens, I know what to do and feel confident I can cope with it. I won't let it steal my life again.

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http://www.depression-recovery-life.com/personal-story.html